One year on

It’s been a year today since Charlie died. It’s so much easier to write positive, upbeat updates but to write about what the last year has been like for us is really difficult. I wouldn’t wish the grieving process on anyone. Someone described it as walking round with no skin on which sums it up perfectly. Grief takes over everything, it affects you physically as well as emotionally. My body shut down completely after Charlie’s death and once the shock wore off the anger kicked in. Anyone and everything sent me into a rage and it’s a wonder I have any friends left. Grief is such a long process and i don’t think you can ever get over losing a child. People tell me in time I’ll learn to live with it.

I really can’t believe it’s been a year already, it feels like time has stood still. I still wake up and think it must be a horrible dream, every morning I look for Charlie next to me in bed and then it hits me all over again. I still can’t believe it actually happened to us. It’s something you read about in a magazine and think what an awful thing to happen to someone but this time it was us and that awful story is our reality.

To end on a positive note with the help of our family and friends we have raised over £14,000 this year for the Meningitis Trust and another £1,000 for Alder Hey Intensive Care. We have had over 173,000 hits to the blog and almost 400 celebs retweeted for us. At the height of our Twitter campaign we were in the top 3% most influential Twitter accounts. I even got to meet royalty! Not bad for a year’s work :)

Meningitis Trust Android App

Last week i helped launch the Meningitis Trust App for Android phones by writing a letter to the Editor which was sent to every newspaper in the country. I am urging parents to download the app so they have the signs and symptoms at a touch of button. Download the app by clicking on the following link (they also do an iPhone one) http://www.meningitis-trust.org/meningitis-info/signs-and-symptoms/iphone-application/ and you can read my letter here http://www.meningitis-trust.org/katy-manns-letter-to-all/

Happy birthday Charlie

Happy 1st birthday to our wonderful little Charlie. I just don't have any other words than that today.

Six months

It’s been six months today since Charlie died. The longest six months of my life. I don’t think it’s even possible to describe what the last six months have been like for us but for every bad day we’ve had something wonderful and unexpected has happened. If you’d have told me the day Charlie died what we would have done in six months I would never have believed you. Over 131,000 people have read Charlie’s story and we have raised around £9,000 with more money still to come in and more fundraisers planned.

We strongly believe that Charlie is still around us and we’ve had so many positive experiences this year we know he’s a very busy boy. He’ll always be a big part of our family and we talk about him all the time. I think sometimes people are scared to mention his name to me in case it’s a painful reminder but there isn’t a second goes by that I don’t think about him. He’s one of my favourite topics of conversations and I love it when people talk about him, I know people haven’t forgotten him then. The 15 weeks he was with us was one of the happiest times of my life and they are happy memories not painful ones.

We’ve had some really good support from our family and friends and even now six months later I still get cards in the post from friends to let me know they haven’t forgotten. Yesterday a package arrived from a friend with some sky lanterns and we’re going to send them up to Charlie this evening. As always we are celebrating Charlie’s life today not mourning it. Charlie’s life had a purpose and he came to us so we would do the work we’ve done after his death. He came here to save others and we are so incredibly proud of him.

100,000!

In the early hours of this morning we reached 100,000 hits! We just can't believe how far it's come. When i first wrote it i thought maybe a few of my friends would read it but within 24 hours of posting it on Facebook it had 6,000 hits. We thought that was incredible but would never have believed that less than four months later we would hit 100,000! 300 celebrities have retweeted it and the total of their combined followers is over 37 million.

It seems fitting that we reached this milestone today. A year ago today i had my 20 week scan and we found out we having a healthy baby boy. We went shopping afterwards and bought his first few outfits, James chose a dinosaur vest for him. We were going to keep the sex of the baby a secret until he was born but James came home and told his Grandma that we'd bought some blue clothes so that lasted all of a day! We went out for a meal that evening and pretty much decided then that he was called Charlie. His middle name took a bit more negotiating ;)

So a year later and 100,000 people have read Charlie's story. Sadly it doesn't bring our baby back but it's a lovely way to remember and honour him. Thank you to everyone who has helped us with our campaign.

An abrupt end

Unfortunately my expressing has come to an abrupt end. I woke up yesterday morning unable to breathe. We went to hospital where i was diagnosed with a chest infection and given antibiotics for a week. With a normal breastfeeding relationship you can still breastfeed whilst taking antibiotics but you can't when it goes to premature babies. My milk supply dropped quite considerably a couple of weeks ago (entirely my own fault, i missed a pumping session one evening and it dropped from that) but i was still determined to carry on. Unfortunately it wasn't meant to be and although i hadn't known it at the time Christmas Eve was my last day of pumping. I'm really sad not to have reached my goals but i have managed to donate around 780 ounces which i'm delighted about.

I really hope that it has encouraged people to persevere with breastfeeding. If i can make it to 5.5 months without having a baby for 2 of those months then i hope it has inspired just one person to keep going.

My freezer

Just in case you wanted to see what 300 ounces of milk looks like...this was my freezer before my milk was collected yesterday...

Wow

As i write this we've had 5738 hits to the blog from countries all over the world - US, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Ireland, France, Germany, Poland, Norway, Finland, Hong Kong, Bahrain, Saudi Arabia and United Arab Emirates. I'm sure i've missed some too. I'm completely overwhelmed by how many people have read my baby's story. It's amazing and i'm so thankful people have shared this blog with their friends. The more awareness we can raise the better.

I'd like to say a huge thank you to those that have donated to Charlie's Meningitis Tribute Fund. The generosity of people, some who have never met us, is incredible. The money goes to a very worthy cause and we're trying to raise as much money as possible for them. We have also donated £550 to Alder Hey hospital's Parachute Fund which is for their Intensive Care Unit.

I also want to raise awareness of using milk banks for donating breastmilk. Anyone can donate their milk subject to a blood test and answering some simple health questions. There is a link on the right to the UK Milk Bank which gives more information. The milk donated goes to premature babies in Special Care. My goal is to donate at least 1000 ounces of milk and i've donated just over 400 ounces so far.

Thank you for reading Charlie's blog.

Signs of Meningitis

The scary thing about this story is that the only sign Charlie had of Meningitis was a temperature. His type was the one that doesn't have a rash and you always associate Meningitis with a rash. The moaning noise he was making when we went to A&E is a sign but even the staff there didn't suspect Meningitis. Here are the signs to look out for from the Meningitis Trust

http://www.meningitis-trust.org/Signs-Symptoms.html

Babies and Children

Fever with cold hands and feet
Pale blotchy skin
Spots/rash
Refusing food and vomiting
Unusual cry/moaning
Fretful, dislike of being handled
Tense, bulging fontanelle
Drowsy, floppy, unresponsive
Neck stiffness, dislike of bright lights
Rapid breathing or grunting
Convulsions/seizures

I lost my child today

I saw this today and found it very moving

"I Lost My Child Today"

I lost my child today.
People came to weep
and cry As I just sat
and stared, dry eyed.

They struggled to find
words to say To try
and make the pain
go away. I walked the
floor in disbelief.
I lost my child today.

I lost my child last month
Most of the people went
away. Some still call and
some still stay. I wait to
wake up from this dream
This can't be real--
I want to scream.

Yet everything is locked
inside, God, help me,
I want to cry.
I lost my child last month.

I lost my child last year.
Now people who had came,
have gone. I sit and
struggle all day long, To
bear the pain so deep inside.

And now my friends just
question, Why? Why does
this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same
old song. Good heavens,
it has been so long.
I lost my child last year.

Time has not moved on
for me. The numbness it has
disappeared. My eyes have
now cried many tears.

I see the look upon your face,
"She must move on and leave
this place." Yet I am trapped
right here in time. The songs
the same, as is the rhyme,

I lost my child......Today.

~Netta Wilson~

Thursday 28th October

Charlie's last day with us was very emotional. Thanks to the staff at Alder Hey we were able to do everything the way we wanted. We had professional photos done by a charity called 'As i lay me down to sleep' and the hospital arranged hand and footprints to be done. Everyone who wanted to had the chance to come and say goodbye properly. His passing was very peaceful and he died in our arms. It was the best we could ask for in such horrible circumstances